hiring and firing

When you get to my ripe old age, theres not a lot you can tell me about how to make a film.
In fact I'd be as bold as to say, I wrote the book on making films, then sold the option to myself.
Yes... what I don't know about films can be put into an oven and served up to a family of starving midgets.
Now... my latest venture is a bona-fide commercial success. how do I know this? I'm bloody clever, that's how. Don't be so damn impertinent.
My aim is to make this film for as little as possible and make as much profit from the sales as I possibly can.
I'll make all kinds of outrageous promises to everyone in my employ, of course. I was thinking of dishing out percentage points that add up to 678%. That'll throw them off the scent.

This week I interviewed a number of over-eager young directors to make this film I'm calling 'Got Buzz' (I think it's a huge commercial success, did I mention that?)
I sat in my large black leather chair and listened to their 'pitch' whilst being tugged off by my young friend Kenny. (It helps me concentrate)
They all seemed very eager, but frankly I found it all rather tiresome.
I just want them to make this film quite honestly. There was a lot of sleep-inducing talk of 'vision' and 'connection' and 'motivation' and 'being an artist' and blah blah blah... Good Bloody Lord. I don't want any of that. i just want them to wave the camera at a load of young pretty people who are being either ; -
a. killed
b. fucked.
c. A combination of the two.

Anyway. I sent them away with a flea in their ear and a beetle up their arse. utterly tiresome.
For me, a director is there to do exactly what I want, and nothing more. Couldn't be simpler. If I say jump, I expect acrobatics on a grand scale. If I want my shoes polished I want the little fucker to polish it so hard my toes are revealed.

I'm thinking of being a director myself. Cut out all this nonsense...
But it seems like too much hard work...